Embodying trauma and troubling appearances within photography for the ‘Your Body Belongs to You’ exhibition
'Flow' - Copyright Dee Lister |
I currently
have the self-portraits shared in this blog (proudly) showing in an exhibition
called ‘Your Body Belongs to You’, which was co-curated by Karen Harvey and Marisol Mendez. I want to contextualise why contributing to this
art exhibition is so meaningful for me before explaining my intentions with the
images. This is in addition to the great privilege of standing alongside nearly
one hundred talented women and non-binary photographers whose two hundred
images collectively feature. If you’re itching to see the exhibition click
here to view this online via the Shutter Hub’s website.
I remember years
ago someone I vaguely trusted said to me in a judgmental tone, “Dee, you need
to stop getting so stressed”. They rattled on about how I should live my life,
which was of course in line with their ways of being. I
struggled (and still struggle) to find my voice and so forgive my transgression
in not calling them out. I was carrying (and still carry) traumatic and abusive
experiences and can react by freezing, triggered by another person behaving in
a way that made me feel unsafe and threatened.
Trauma can be
defined as the way a person responds to a perceived threat that feels in some
way overwhelming (Levine,
2010). It can have debilitating, long-term, and far-reaching effects upon a
person’s life and lead to a sense of feeling disconnected from others,
ourselves, and our bodies. This is particularly so with posttraumatic stress (Dana,
2020). For this reason, Polyvagal
Theory suggests nurturing neuroception and conscious awareness of what’s
going on inside the body facilitates the development of new habitual patterns
and insight into when a trauma response occurs. This is thought to smooth the
way to move more easily to a place of safety and connection. I’ll risk
medicalising a distressing experience to say that, in line with Polyvagal
Theory, when I was told I was “too stressed” in the past it triggered a disconnect
from my body. I shut down as a learned traumatic response.
'Torn' - Copyright Dee Lister |
Artful practices
such as photography, creative writing and drawing provide me with a safe space
to cultivate kindly awareness of my body and how it holds trauma. This supports
me to stay present and grounded and is cathartic, which meets with psychological
literature that has remarked on the many benefits of creativity on wellbeing (for
example, Pennebaker
1997). I wanted to use photography to explore and share an account of my
everyday embodied experiences and drew inspiration from other artists. Jo Spence immediately
came to mind whose moving
autobiographical work constructed a visual diary of her experiences of
being treated for cancer that sadly led to her death. I love the emotive self-portraiture
of Laura Zalenga that’s set in
natural spaces and found Marisol Mendez’s project MADRE powerful by
the way the portraits challenged dominant ways in which Bolivian women are
portrayed as ‘whitewashed and phallocentric’. The ‘Your Body Belongs to You’
exhibition inspired me to tell a personal story but having seen projects such
as MADRE, it also stirred my feminist consciousness. I wanted to consider how I
could resist Western cultural narratives that privilege white, cisgender,
heterosexual, thin and able bodies as this resonated as someone who identifies
as queer and is mixed race and living with disability and chronic illness.
'Defiant' - Copyright Dee Lister |
I created
portraits for the exhibition in a way that spoke to me and as I enjoy incorporating
a movement in my work, this shaped my intentions to convey a sense of how I
experience my emotions and sensations as embodied experiences, as well
exploring how my body moves. Sometimes I tremble uncontrollably and stutter through
everyday talk and situations, navigating difficult sensations that often seem
to arise out of nowhere. Other times I feel like I’m swaying as if a tree in
the wind when still, or perhaps enveloped in a serenity that allows for a loose
and fluid dance that embodies a state of flow (Csikszentmihalyi,
1990). I chose camera settings that articulated this sense of how I occupy
space and move with myself and named each image according to the emotions evoked
at the time.
Creating the
images was empowering, though also offered an alternative way of troubling my
appearance as a femme subject. I implicitly addressed this by refusing to pose
‘nicely’ for the camera as is often seen in photography. Cisgender heterosexual
women are still encouraged to be passive subjects with postures, clothing and
facial expressions that are considered flattering and ‘soft’ in line with
narrow ideas about femininity, whilst cisgender, heterosexual men are positioned
as active subjects, in line with Laura
Mulvey’s (1975) notion of the ‘male gaze’. The essentialising of gender as
a binary is problematic though it provides a basis from which to explain my
intentions to resist being a passive subject. I wanted to perform suffering as
well as the lightness of being that comes with feeling in flow, and in doing resist
cultural pressures to represent my body as contained and controlled. Just as I
found within feminist-narrative PhD research with a small group of cisgender
Western women living with invisible illness (Lister, 2017), threaded through my
visual narrative was the embodied experiences of a body that doesn’t behave. I too
feel the need to perform and strive to keep up an appearance of being able-bodied,
which is possible given how I can ‘pass’ (Goffman,
1963) as ‘normal’ most of the time.
'Strive' - Copyright Dee Lister |
I find it
disturbing how many images proliferate online that digitally enhance and change
body shapes to appear thinner or more toned, smoothing skin so faces look
flawless. I feel responsible as a photographer to resist representing myself (and
others) by overly editing images, but I also feel the pressure to look and be
seen in socially accepted and normative ways. It was a relief to find there was
no need to confront my own temptation to overly edit my image given how there
was only an abstract impression in the images.
Amelia
Morris (2021) highlighted in a blog post last year that criticism of
self-portraiture and selfie culture as narcissistic and vain is oversimplifying
and detracting from the way ‘make-up, fashion and selfies enable women and non-binary
people to cultivate their identity’. I agree with this sentiment and think it
is telling that photography remains dominated by white cisgender and
heterosexual men (Jackson,
2019). Queer photographers such as Laura Aguilar
and Zanele
Muholi have helped to ‘destabilise the male gaze’ (McDonough, 2020) through
their work, just as female photographer Sandy Miles is interrupting the narrative about how women’s
bodies are represented and by whom in her ongoing project sharing unedited nude
portraits of women. This is interesting given how only men during the Victorian
era were accepted as artists, positioning the naked women in portraiture as
passive subjects. I hope my images add to the current ripples of change and am
grateful for opportunities to create artistic work such as has been possible by
being part of the 'Your Body Belongs to You' exhibition.
Notes
All images in this blog post are owned and were created by Dee Lister. A warm thanks to Andrea LaMarre for feedback on this piece. Gratitude to Karen Harvey, Marisol Mendez and the Shutter Hub for curating and organising the ‘Your Body Belongs to You’ exhibition, as well as all the women and non-binary photographers whose work is featured.
About
Dee Lister
(she/they) is a creative photographer and member of Shutter
Hub and the Beauty Demands Network. Dee completed feminist-narrative PhD
research ‘Telling the Untellable
Stories of Women Living with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)’ and worked as
an associate lecturer at Manchester Metropolitan University. To see more of
their work, follow Dee on Instagram @deelisterphotos and their website ‘What Dee Sees’.
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